"I like you already..." - by Meghan Fitzgerald - a10d
"I like you already..."
Can how we attend to others make all the difference?
This simple mindset shift has become one of our family’s favorite ways to practice attending to others. We’d love to see what you think, too.
The backstory
A few weeks ago, my 15-year-old and I were shopping for a new pair of track spikes. Per usual, we were running late. I was tired, distracted, and not feeling any sense of urgency from the staff member in the shoe department.
As she watched my body language evolve, my 15-year-old coached me to stop “giving Karen.” Then, she asked, with air quotes to emphasize, “What happened to ‘I like you already’?”
She was reminding me that, just the night before, I had eagerly described a new practice a friend of mine suggested we try. The goal was to enter into social interactions with an “I like you already” mindset.
We got through the transaction and hurried out of the store. Luckily, we had some time in the car to revisit the moment. My daughter was right, I’d been way off target. We both agreed that, no matter how lackluster the service had been, a better mindset on my part could have improved the whole scene.
Sunday dinner
My daughter and I decided to share our story with the rest of the family, including plenty of “Mom was embarrassing” details. Then we discussed the idea of “I like you already.” My husband, the 11-year old, and 13-year olds generally vibed with the idea, although we did get some alternative packaging recommendations:
The sports-loving middle child proposed a “You’re on my team” mindset, “since I feel like it’s easier to connect when we’re on the same team.”
The youngest suggested a, “Maybe we’re cousins,” approach, sharing her logic that cousins may not always be close, but they always have your back.
We agreed to be flexible with the framing and to each try it the following week.
How it went
It turns out, this simple practice is pretty darn transformative for both the like-r and the like-ee. There are so many chances to practice this: as you run errands; hop on Zoom calls; navigate crowded stores, etc.
Given that we were all in on this, I felt like we had a new spotlight under which we could all examine human connection. And I had a new incentive to try harder, even when kids weren’t with me.
All three kids found small yet meaningful examples of how the I like you already mindset really helped. My oldest, as she navigated that irksome feeling when someone puts their stuff too close to yours at the coffee shop. My youngest, when she welcomed a shy new kid to her dance class. And, my middle, when she paused before getting too upset when a friend “freaked out” over something that seemed small (turns out, she had had a terrible morning at home).
How it works
Before you enter a new interaction, remind yourself of the phrase, “I like you already.” I repeat it a few times in my head.
Then, bring “I like you” energy into the interaction. Just as you would towards someone you actually know and like, demonstrate that you are present and positive.
We brainstormed ways to do this at Sunday dinner, including: smile; put your phone away; look them in the eye; listen actively; ask questions; make conversation; notice things they do, and show gratitude for them.
See what you get back. Is the interaction different or notable in some way?
If anything the person does falls short of likable, pause and try to wonder why they might have seemed that way. (I mean, if you already like them, there must be a reason they’re seeming unlikable today, right?!) Maybe they’re having a bad day? Maybe someone else just underserved them, and they’re still feeling it?
Why does this work?
First, when you start by valuing someone, your presence and positivity often, naturally bring out the best in them.
Investing even a little in someone makes you more curious and caring towards them. You’re more likely to assume better of their affect and actions. When needed, this makes you more likely to give space for them to be tired, quiet, or otherwise less “likeable” without passing harsh, snap judgments.
This “I like you already” mindset took me all the way back to college, when I learned about Austrian-Israeli philosopher, Martin Buber. In his book, I and Thou, Buber distinguished two modes of relating: I–It, treating others as objects, and I–Thou, meeting others in mutual presence as humans. He saw the latter as a means to the divine. Though I’m not sure we’re reaching quite that high, I do think my kids would agree that this practice shifts us into I-Thou mode, and it actually does bring out better versions of ourselves.
My mind also hopped to one of my favorite books from the past year. In How to Know a Person, David Brooks explores our shared need to feel seen, and how paying attention to another person helps to fill that need in them; it’s giving a gift.
“When you pay attention to somebody, when you make them feel seen, you are performing a moral act.”
Brooks also distinguishes between paying evaluative attention (judging, sizing up, categorizing, etc) and illuminating attention (being curious, wondering, trying to understand, etc).
“I like you already” shifts us away from evaluating and towards illuminating. I love how the illumination analogy dovetails with the flashlight metaphor of attention! We can each cast the light of our attention on others. And when we do, even in small ways, during small moments, it can work like crazy.
What we’re finding
The kids and I have found that interactions are noticeably better when we enter with an “I like you already” mindset.
Even when the interaction is “meh” or even kind of bad, it pretty much feels all good. Maybe it’s because when you go in with “I like you already,” you can more readily shrug it off as a missed opportunity, rather than some kind of personal affront. If you never really dip down into the unlike-zone (un-like zone?), you end up feeling more positive, no matter how the moment goes.
Though I use this most in short interactions with people I don’t know well, I have also tested it out with friends and family. It’s really interesting to observe how an intentional, positive pre-orientation around seeing the other person can positively impact almost any interaction.
Best of all, we all have a bit of new, shared language with which to talk about how we attend to other people.
How did it go for you?
No matter which words you and your kids use, let us know how the “I like you already” mindset is impacting your social interactions. Share if your kids are making any connections to the mindset and attention—especially the links between where we put our attention and how connected we feel to other people.
Thank you for sharing! This is a great example of the self-fulfilling prophecy in Social Psychology. When we enter a social situation with pre-judgement one way or another, our own actions often lead the interaction to what we expected in the first place. It goes either way, expecting something good or something not good. So setting intentions and even “pushing the reset button” as we call it in my family, can turn things around.